a mess of emotions but determined to make dinner w/o crying

Ok, so Andy wanted to have a nice, normal dinner tonight before we ship the kids off to the grandparents house tonight. Nice idea...in theory. In reality, all five of us have been a mess of emotions and every hour just seems to bring on the intensity of them all.

I was the first one to completely lose it at church yesterday. We were about ready to leave and one of my friends (who happens to be about 9months pregnant) casually says "goodbye" to me and I start tearing up and then burst into an emotional mess all while in the middle of talking to someone else. I kept saying, "I have no idea why I am crying." Although I did. Sort of. I was just completely unprepared for any of it. At the moment my friend said goodbye I basically thought, "that's the first real goodbye I've said and the next time I see you your life will be completely different (with a newborn) and we'll have Caleb" and somehow it opened a floodgate of tears that I really didn't know I had. I've been on the verge of breaking down ever since.

It didn't help when Kara told me last night as she lay in bed that it would be her last night in her bed. I told her she was welcome to come home and sleep in her own bed if she wanted while we were gone (grandparents all live close) and then she teared up and started crying. And the previous night she asked me if she could take a picture of Andy and me on her digital camera so that when she missed us she could turn her camera on and see us. I told her that we could do even better and actually print the photo of us for her to carry in her suitcase. So yesterday before we ran into Walgreens to pick up more last minute things for China, Andy and I stood in front of the brick wall at Walgreens and smiled for Kara to take our picture. We picked the picture up today and as I laid one of top of each of the kid's suitcases I lost it again.

Nathan seems to be doing what he does best. He is trying to make us all laugh and has turned up his "I'm going to be really good and try to make people happy" level up a few notches. Poor thing. He's lived most of his waking life among three girls and he has learned a few things. When things get emotional (and when is it NOT?!), lay low and be good.

Anna has been more than irritated by all of us. I think she is letting her emotions out by complaining about everything. Yesterday it was the fact that she has no dresser space for any of her clothes which then led into telling us that her whole room is too small, she has no closet space or shelf space or any room whatsoever to put any of her things. Lovely. So I spend yesterday afternoon trying to organize her closet and dresser drawers with her so that she might feel a bit more in control of things and not so frazzled.

So, from taking "one last picture of mom and dad" to cleaning out closets ,we've been trying to live the last few days as normally as possible around here. It is working on the surface but I'm not sure for how long. Today all I could think of every time we did something was that it was the last time we'd do it w/o Caleb. The last time we'd eat breakfast w/o him. The last time we'd go grocery shopping w/o him. The last whatever. It has brought a lot of tears for me and a headache as well.

And Andy has been completely freaking out about leaving the kids. He is never like that. He went into work this morning around 5am, I think, and is exhausted from the craziness of getting everything ready in the last 6 days. Mind you, he hasn't started packing. I knew he wouldn't. He's been getting all of the paperwork ready for China. He'll be throwing warm t-shirts fresh from the dryer into his suitcase tonight about 9pm. Yes, I know my husband. And although that drove me absolutely crazy for years, I have no come to expect it and just watch it all play out now w/o getting worked up about it. He, like the rest of us, is working through being excited and sad and totally freaked out all at once.

So, just know that although on the surface it may look like we're on top of things and how perfectly wonderful it is that we're finally going to China, there is a completely different side of our life that not many people know. Yes, we are thrilled to death to finally see Caleb's face and kiss it. We have waited so long for this time to come. But, the truth is, it is very hard thing to actually GO. It is lovely thinking about adopting and thinking about all of the things that we can give to Caleb and how our family will be complete when he is finally home and how he will no longer be just a picture on our refrigerator. But this is much, much more emotionally draining than I ever thought it would be. And I haven't even gotten to the airport yet.

So, I'm off to cook hamburger and make tacos for dinner tonight. That's normal, right? And we'll all be sitting there thinking this is the last...

Because along with Caleb, our life is going to change in huge ways too. And I guess I just never thought that we'd all have our own grieving,of sorts, to go through. Our family will be different when we'll all together again. And none of us knows what it will look like or feel like. And that's a bit scary and somewhat overwhelming.

But in the midst of all of our crazy emotions, we have complete trust in God as He is leading us on a journey to our newest family member. We know there are many blessings ahead of us. And we are honored to be called to GO.